I think I have finally reached the point where I just can't pretend I can tolerate it all anymore. I've done my level best to just ignore it or defend myself (god knows why) but now I just can't deal with the manic selfish stupidity. I've heard lots of descriptions of the symptoms of manic depression and schizophrenia and they all fit but there's absolutely sod all that's gonna help me there bc he ain't ever going to accept he needs a shrink. Like the ranting and shouting out the front of the house about nothing of any importance but what the fuck must the neighbours think. I asked his cousin once how did his father end up in a mental ward and she said bc he was walking the streets of Worthing ranting and shouting and ppl were scared of him. Well thats what I've put up with for thirty years. As is the nature of manic depression he's not that way all the time just some days when others he can be lovely. But there's no way to describe what it's like living with someone who is constantly shouting to noone in particular about whatever is slightly irritating him that particular moment. Like years ago when a friend of mine was involved in the potential class action suit about vaccine damage and I found him late one night standing in the kitchen shouting and swearing about it, saying things like why "that bitch I***** making her (me) get involved in this shit" when I wasn't involved per se and even if I was we cd only go ahead if we got the legal aid which was denied. He was screaming and shouting about something that he knew nothing about bc he didn't listen to me, he was calling my friend names even tho to her face of course he wd be all smiles and joking. I didn't really understand back then about this awful control freak behaviour but I've recently learnt to just not allow him to do it. If he starts shouting I will tell him to stop. If he's being irrational, I will calmly explain to him what is wrong with his thinking. Two things are clear to me at last, one that his mother always said about his father that "he cdn't handle stress" which apparently explained why he was running around the hospital threatening the doctors and going nuts when Michael was born, seemingly thinking they were hurting her. He cdn't handle a situation where he had no control over what was happening but his son didn't inherit anything from him...no, not much. Two, that I deserve better, that I am entitled to my own thoughts, habits, life and I shd not have to do what he wants when he wants how he wants just to keep the peace. That's called mental and emotional abuse and tho friends have been telling me that for years I cd never really see it as that. Next time he's outside shouting and ranting I really must record it. Maybe if he cd see how fucking mental it is he might accept he needs help.

I've had to live with years of my autistic son complaining that a lot of his depression is bc of having to live with the constant screaming rows with his father and now I'm sat here listening to them screaming at each other in just the same way...I hope my son is grasping that it's not my fault for stupidly trying to defend myself all these years, that it's just living with his father is hard!!!!!! My son doesn't like it when I raise my voice but you know what, I don't like it when he does either but he shouts back at his father the same way I do for the same reasons. The wonders of dealing with an undiagnosed schizophrenic and a mildly autistic offspring. They both need to have a fucking good talk to themselves (and I don't mean the idiotic, standing outside on the street even, ranting shit that man does, I mean a serious look at their own fucking behaviour!!!!! I am sick to death of this shit. Nobody shd have to live like this, it's frankly inhuman but I've decided to not pay any attention anymore, that's easiest.

My latest bugbear is a huge works van with high vis vests on the seats is parked in a disabled space seemingly all day every day and almost always facing the wrong way I might add who for ages seemed to have a badge but it was not clearly displayed bc of how high the dashboard is and yet I never saw a ticket on it. Now it cd be genuine (tho I can't see how anyone requiring a badge is able to get in and out of a van like that or do the kind of job that requires a van or high vis vests) but then I encountered this van in a supermarket car park in the disabled space (and I do mean THE) with a young man coming back to the van who was clearly not the person to whom the badge applies. The person driving, presumably the person to whom the badge does apply, immediately began making a fuss about the fact that I clearly didn't think he shd be there. I didn't say anything, merely looked at him, so the fact that he got so animated about needing to defend himself suggests to me he knew full well why I didn't think it was a valid badge. Even as he drove away and I had walked into the supermarket he was still trying to hold up his badge!!!!! I wonder if he'd have been as confident if I'd actually asked to inspect the badge bc I'll place any amount of money on the fact that it doesn't belong to him. Even if it does, he didn't seem to get that he still shdnt have been there if he wasn't getting out of the car, a badge is not for the convenience of others it's a privilege for ppl who need it and this arse is taking advantage. I suspect he's been told by a warden he needs to display it but I doubt any warden has actually checked it to see if this idiots face is the one pictured. If you're capable of doing a job that requires a large van which suggests physical activity I can't see how you can need a disabled badge. You can't walk a hundred yards but you can do a labour intensive job? I fear the man doth protest too much, even continuing to wave the corner of the badge at me as he's driving away suggests to me he's not really confident of his argument. All I've ever done is get it out and put it on the dashboard in plain view, that's enough. To shout and scream and make such a point of showing me saying look look I have got a badge when all I did was look at him suggests to me a guilty conscience. Still, that doesn't beat the stupid cow who not only parked in the one disabled space but left her child in the car and when I said to her quite quietly and reasonably "thank you for parking in the disabled space" she replied by saying its a mother and baby AND disabled space...wtf there is no such thing you stupid cow, go look at the signage and the painting on the road, nowhere does it say anything other than disabled badge holders ONLY! Why does it surprise me that ppl are so godamn selfish!?!?! I've challenged a number of ppl who are sitting in the car in the space and I've had the most ridiculous shit in response. One guy responded with "I've got a badge I can do what I like" which unfortunately seems to be the general self absorbed aggro attitude that society has now. Another guy I pointed out to him that he was occupying a space that he did not need to be in but I on my own did need. I pointed out the leaflet that comes with the badge says whilst it's not illegal (damn well shd be in my book) to stay in the car, if you are not the person to whom the badge applies and you're not getting out of the car you shdnt be in a space. He cd have parked a little way up the road and simply come down to pick up the disabled person whereas I did not have that luxury. When I returned to my car five minutes later he'd got out and gone to stand round the corner...I suppose it's better than sitting in the car but still missing the point. It's the staggering sense of entitlement! Then there was the huge great drinks truck parked across three disabled spaces in the middle of town on a summers day (when they will be most required). The warden just walked past like he didn't give a shit, when I challenged that they shdnt be parked in the disabled spaces when there was a loading bay ten feet away, I was informed they had a job to do selling their drinks at this bar and they "needed" to have that truck directly in front of the bar...bc of course that's entirely more important than any disabled person. I just cdnt believe the warden did nothing, tho I suspect he might have tried but received so much abuse for the suggestion he didn't dare ticket them. It's the old "I'm only going to be five minutes" argument, this advertising truck was only going to be there for a couple of hours so what does it matter? Well I'll tell you why it matters? Bc all the time that truck is blocking those spaces is time that a number of disabled spaces either can't do their shopping or can't enjoy their few moments out or a meal or go to the library nearby bc healthy ppl don't give a shit. One woman sitting in her huge 4x4 outside the Dome refused to move bc she said she was waiting for her son to come out from his graduation ceremony and she wdnt be long...I refused to accept that as an answer and explained to her that her son was perfectly capable of walking wasn't he, she shdnt be in a disabled space if she didn't have a badge, that I did have a badge and therefore required her to vacate that space, she just refused to move....so so did I. I was blocking the road, cars were piling up behind me but I sat there with my badge out and my indicator on. After a few minutes of me doing this and staring at her she finally moved...all of twenty yards across the road, like every other parent there to pick up their kid. I doubt she learnt anything but I felt better foR it and cd finally park and hobble to my monthly ME support group meeting. Then there was this selfish bitch in the spaces in London road with her engine still on so all she had to do was put the car in reverse and move back (she had four feet behind her) but she just sat where she was without a badge and watching me struggle to park in the space she had left. 1) she shdnt have been there 2) she cd have made it easier for me but no. Then to add insult to injury she made some arsehole remark about how bad my parking abilities were! When I explained that I have a pin in one shoulder and various other problems which is why I HAVE A BADGE, she basically just told me to fuck off. I'm just sick of ppl in general today.

What is "British"?

I started hunting around bc Aliajz Bedene has gone back to playing under the Slovenian flag and it got me curious how he ever thought we shd let him play for the British Davis Cup team in the first place. Most ppl's complaint about Konta is that she is born in Australia from Hungarian parents so where in hell does the British bit come in? With Bedene, not only did he have no British connection other than living here but he had played Davis Cup for Slovenia already and that entirely rules him out. In this article several other "brits" have been called into question; Bradley Wiggins British mother, Greg Rusedski British mother, Mo Farrah British father, etc etc etc. They may have been born elsewhere but their heritage is at least in some part British. Neither Konta nor Bedene have any such claim. Joanna Lumley was born in India as were several other ppl who we wd consider utterly British and indeed National Treasures so where you were born is hardly the only criterion by which someone's Britishness shd be measured. What got me about the article is how they then go on to say about the abuse Anthony Joshua received over his apparent support of the muslim religion as if that is in any way the same thing. The criticism of Konta playing as British is in no way the same thing as the appalling racism and religious prejudice ppl have to put up with. It's not racist to simply question the facts. I'm personally pleased to see Bedene return to the flag of his birth, his heritage and clearly his heart. Tennis is not racist, I've never had the slightest feeling that race, creed or colour have ever had anything to do with tennis. The criticism of Konta has nothing to do with "racism", it's simply a reasonable question. She certainly hasn't been denied any opportunities or excluded from any tournament or anything that in any way wd suggest ppl are "racist" against her. This article is a disgrace equating the two situations. It's sad that ppl can't tell the difference anymore. Especially the inclusion in the keywords of Wimbledon sport and racist, extremely wrong to even mistakenly suggest there is racism in Wimbledon. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jul/14/johanna-konta-nationality-big-deal-tennis-wimbledon-sport-racist

Free will.

Oh dear that's set me off, on THE BIG QUESTION, this girl says as a young woman she has no free will as to where she goes and what she does bc of what men do. That is so sad. We all have free will, my life is not ruled nor has it ever been by what other ppl do. A perfect example, in the pub yesterday this girl walks in with these horrible almost see through leggings that are basically tights and shdnt be worn by themselves in my opinion. Not bc she was exposing herself, but bc I just don't want to see her knickers and it doesn't fit my criteria for being dressed. My husband cd not help but stare and drool. However I can guarantee that he wd not under any circumstances be following her out of the pub and raping her!!!!! I frankly admired her exuding confidence, she had a great figure and being in a pub on her own, but she cd have looked just as good without us having to see her underwear. There are bad men and bad women, when young girls are told not to walk down a dark alley on their own, it's simply a matter of not putting yrself in a position of danger, that applies to a lot of public places too. She had absolutely free will to dress as she did and honestly, the confidence that oozed from her added to the overall appeal, I just feel it's common decency. The one thing that completely destroyed the look was the great big label sticking out between her butt cheeks from her knickers!!!! At least I hope it was a label.... Another example is Alex Polizzi on the hotel inspector. Must be the Italian in her but she's always got her tits hanging out and I find it distasteful. Nice as they are I don't want to see them. She clearly has no fears of being attacked by a man bc of what she wears. The attitude that you have no free will as a young woman bc men do bad things I think is the greatest cop out ever. Stop blaming everyone else in the world for the choices you make. Free will is available to all, whether you choose to exercise that free will is entirely your own choice.

Today is one of his nuts days. Yesterday he started the day by shouting at me about god knows what cuz I stop listening and then stated that he didn't care if he upset me cuz we hate each other anyway, he certainly hates me most of the time. The sad part is he knows full well that isn't true and in a couple of days from now he'll be all sweetness and light and wondering why I'm still upset with him. All this is (over and over again!) is because he was out drinking a lot on Friday night. I wish I cd describe all the same stupid word-for-word arguments he tries to have with me like about how I do nothing ever, how this house is a shithole, how apparently other ppl don't live like this, etc etc etc. But the crowning touch this morning which I am finding distinctly unforgiveable was when he stood there and actually said "So you get up every morning and plan to do as little as possible because you're not feeling very well". I recently tried to explain one day how sad it made me that I actually get up every day with a list in my head of things I want to do...and then I get up...and bit by bit that list just disappears cuz I just can't do it. No I'm not just lazy, I'm constantly having to defend myself and justify why I haven't done anything today. I can't quite believe I have spent 22 years saying the same thing, I do what I can when I can and some days I even just move a couple of things and he'll come home and say ooh you've been busy today. Just goes to show that it's not reality, that it is just his perception and when he's having a psycho day like today he just goes off on one and it has nothing to do with me. I cannot help being ill, I am not lazy, I've reached a point where if he did want to walk out tommorrow, I wd be happy to see him go now. I always used to think I cdn't understand why ppl split up after so long together. I always figured if you've put up with each other that long, it must be worth fighting for. I now understand there is a huge difference between putting up with each other because there is love there just life gets in the way somtimes and putting up with each other because the options were worse which is what I've done. I used to still think I loved him and I just wanted him to see himself and one day either apologise and change or get help but now that's obviously not going to happen. I now have my own money, a certain amount of strength cuz usually these days I'm feeling a bit better and I have the support of a number of friends in the same boat plus good friends who wd do everything to support me. I also have a son who is growing in confidence every day and who wd I think back me up about how it is to live with his father. He doesn't hate him any more than I do, but he is the only other person in this world who sees what that man is really like. his father hates that he sticks up for me in an argument but he views it as my son and me ganging up on him. He cannot ever see it as it is, that all my son does is see things the way I do and that maybe the person in the wrong here is not me for saying I'm upset about something nor my son for saying the same thing or for saying he understands where I'm coming from. The trouble is when he's come out of this dreadful psycho state, he will not remember being like this so if I then turn around and say I've had enough and I want out he will truly be surprised. I cd rant on like this forever but I feel better just for doing this. So I shall plod on.

Sunshine on a rainy day... - More Kittens!

Sunshine on a rainy day... - More Kittens!

the wonders of taking an autistic child to a Broadway show

The wonders of taking an autistic child to a Broadway show...we took him to see the Spiderman show whilst in NYC and it was difficult. He is Spiderman obsessed and a result of his disorder is that he has no patience with things being wrong in any way. He expected it to be fairly bad but I think it was worse than he thought. Obviously there is such a thing as dramatic license where shows like this are concerned but he cd not cope with the fact that they got so much of the story details wrong. Then there was the bit where they hint at a part of the storyline in a couple of places but he didn't understand about them dropping those hints for the big reveal later in the show. He got angry cuz they didn't explain it properly. He was also irritated by things like the fact that the newspaper office was all set in 60s style which it shd be but then there were lines written in about facebook and computers which most of the audience thought was quite funny but to him it was just wrong. Oh and the constant references to U2 songs when it was written by The Edge and Bono. All the first half he is sighing loudly and laughing at how stupid it was (he was not impressed with all the special effects, loudly expressing how pathetic it was) and ppl around us were very aware of him if you know what I mean. Then the second half really got him going. A great deal of this was frankly boring and tedious, centered around Peter and MJ and all very nice but yawn. My son, having been irritated to distraction by the first half, was now getting bored and that is soooo much worse. I managed to keep him under control for about 5 minutes but then he decided to get his psp go out and start playing a game, with the sound off so not bothering anyone. The usher shouted at him (and I do mean SHOUTED, even tho there was a show going on) to turn it off and he started to argue with the guy that it wasn't a phone, it wasn't hurting anyone but the bloke was adamant you shdn't bother the ppl around you...even tho it wdn't. So instead he spent the next ten minutes fidgeting constantly, muttering under his breath and generally making it very clear that he was not impressed by the show. I wanted to hold up a sign saying he has an autistic disorder, this is good behaviour by his standards! Unfortunately you can't explain this to everyone. The amount of looks ppl gave me as if to say "how dare you let him behave like that?" and "can't you control your child". Bless him, he did acknowledge that he wdn't say what he thought to his father (who cd only get a ticket on another level so wasn't sitting with us THANKFULLY) cuz he did appreciate that the tix cost a lot and his father wdn't want to hear that he wasn't impressed. Having said all that, he said the best thing as we were coming out.. he did say the one thing that made it a bit better was that "you 2" (meaning his dad and me) enjoyed it so it wasn't a total waste. He then laughed at his own play on words..."I just realised I said U2, I shd have said "you both" but U2 is appropriate". Funny and clever, I'm so proud.

the arrogance of "healthy" people

This morning I rang up to book my tickets for Nickelback on Jan 19th. All was fine until she told me the price was full price for 2 people when we've always only paid for one disabled ticket cuz my husband (or whoever might go with me) is needed to push the chair and assist with whatever else, getting drinks, carrying a bag, whatever. As nicely as possible I asked since when does my partner not go free? You wd have thought I'd asked her to kill her own mother!!! She was practically shouting at me about how they can't assume anything, some people have independent wheelchairs, you said you wd be coming with your husband - your husband isn't necessarily your carer, a lot of disabled people will get offended if we assume they can't cope by themselves, we can arrange for someone to push you within the arena if that's all you need.....I'll tell you what I did get offended by - her getting so angry at me as if this was all about my attitude to her! It sadly shows, as with parking bays and blue badges and many many other disabled facilities, that the decisions made about the facilities are not made by the people who actually use the facilities, they are made by people who are in no position to remotely understand our needs. She actually said that when I said I was going with my husband she cd not automatically assume that he was my full time carer. No but by the same token I shdn't have to justify whether he is or not, for the purposes of going to this concert he is acting in the capacity of my carer and they shd not have to know that. It proves in my mind that most people making these decisions have no clue what being a carer actually means. They obviously have an image of you requiring to be fed or attended to every minute and anything short of that means you don't really need "a carer" at all. I find it completely ludicrous that they say they can arrange for someone to push you to your set within the arena...right so I logically need someone to push the chair to get me to the arena but it's okay they can just push me to the door and then leave? Obviously whoever assists me to get there is going to come with me to the show. And someone can just push me to my seat and then what? What if I need a drink or something to eat, what if I need the loo, what if there's some kind of emergency...they don't think these things through. We have had that once before where they insisted on "being helpful" and having their own people push my chair - we had to wait about 15 minutes for someone to come and they disappeared the second they had deposited me where I wanted to be. If this was in a huge arena and I was on my own it's really a completely unworkable situation. I wd have liked to try and explain that actually I've never been asked to justify the carer ticket before but tbh I cdn't get a word in edgewise. I did try to say actually I've never been asked before but that just set her off again implying it was my fault for saying it was my husband going with me. Really? Every other time we've booked tickets anywhere they have just said the price for one ticket and no more was said about it. I am sick of this attitude in this country these days that situations that have existed for centuries suddenly are a problem because one person in a million MIGHT be offended. Why oh why can they not ask us actual disabled people what WE need. I find it offensive that they are telling me what I need and then going off on one because I'm suggesting that they've got it wrong. It's the assumption that the only reason you need assistance is to move the wheelchair, they don't understand there is so much more to being a carer.

The best place we've had for this was Milton Keynes. Bon Jovi and Nickelback that shd have opened Wembley but it wasn't ready. MK is a huge outdoor arena, it was a beautiful hot summer night and tho I'd have rather been at Wembley it was a nice place. We basically were allowed the "backstage" entrance thru some car parking and separate from the difficulties of the main crowd. As at O2, the disabled area was just a large platform which made it really easy to get the chair around and get comfortable. At Wembley it's literally a fixed seat with a limited space beside it. At MK there were surprisingly few security people whereas at O2 and Wembley they hover and I feel under suspicion the whole time. If I do stand up, they watch me to see if I can actually walk so I must be pulling a fast one being in the disabled section. I really felt completely normal and comfortable at MK, just left alone to enjoy the show. Maybe the problem is London, other cities might be a bit more relaxed.

not a good start to the day but there we are. I have my tickets that's all that matters!!!! Can't wait. Right, rant over, coffee calling, legs hurting, child fed, feeling a bit like I've done a day's worth of crap already and it's only lunchtime.

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://twibbon.com/embed/Free-Gary-McKinnon"></script>

I am so lucky I have not had a day like this for so long but the feeling of complete hopelessness has unfortunately taken over today. I don't know where to start...swine flu maybe. I have now had this awful chest infection (which makes it sound so simple) for over a week. Every day I wake up thinking I am going to feel better today but no such luck. I pulled a muscle in my back four days ago which is only just beginning to not hurt. It felt like I had been shot and stabbed and cracked a rib all at the same time. I have rarely felt pain like that in my life.

Michael is much much better today, downstairs playing his games and looking brighter than he has for weeks. I actually got him to explain a little about his friends at school. My brother rang today talking about bringing his son down to see Michael and he's saying things like oh well they can go into town or they can go other places as if it was completely normal and I expressed to M how difficult it was for me to explain to people like my brother that he doesn't do this sort of thing. Yes he can get on the bus and go into town now but he has no interest in wandering round the shops or any other pointless filling time exercise whereas his son does that all the time. Anyway it was very interesting that he said about how the kids he's friendly with at school are just the same, they don't go out, they don't go to pubs etc either and one has family problems that keep him at home a lot. I suggested about them coming here or vice versa and that apparently doesn't happen either but he seems ok with just talking to them all on messenger etc. I feel a little sad that I can't do much to help the situation but I do wish his father and certain other people had some understanding that there is nothing wrong with being the way he is. He actually said that's why he'd rather sleep in the day and be up at night cuz then he can talk to all these kids in Canada about games and figures and the stuff that is important to him and not have to feel guilty about not being "normal". Thankfully he gets that I get it but he does understand that I'm stuck in the middle having to listen to people like his father and grandma moaning about what he SHD be doing instead. Well in my book he shd be doing whatever makes him happy and if pub crawls and window shopping don't do it for him, I don't see why he shd have to do it just to make everybody else happy. Isn't it sad that even his own father doesn't understand him?

Life with an autistic son

My lovely autistic son Michael is about to turn 18. We were discussing this with him last night as grandma was saying how she wanted to give him "something that wd last" not just another action figure or whatever. This shows a) that she is from a different generation who have a different perspective on the value of certain things and b) that she does not grasp this child one iota! Apparently she meant something like a stereo system which is what she bought his father when he was 18. Of course these days, an iphone wd be far more relevant but that fact aside, Michael does not listen to music and has no requirement for a stereo (he has of course a computer, an ipod, etc). It also shows that she has no understanding of the value of the figures he collects, in his opinion they do last as he still has every last one he has ever bought (thankfully we have a big house!). He cd still produce every birthday present she has ever given him if pushed, they're all there somewhere. Grandma has no idea of modern society and what any kid today really wants let alone my son. She also has the same problem as her son, they can only do what they think you want rather than listening and learning what you actually do want. Anyway I'm sure she'll be very offended and upset that Michael doesn't want what she wants to give him and he finds it offensive that her attitude towards his figures is so scathing when they matter so much to him.

We then endeavoured to explain to him why his 18th birthday is so important. You can drink (he has no interest), you are legally entitled to do things like vote and do independent things like get your own flat (chance wd be a fine thing), be legally responsible for yourself (no concept of that and frankly terrifies him)...his response was that he didn't really understand birthdays anyway, it's just celebrating the fact that you haven't died for another year! He also suggested that he cd show grandma that he was buying a game that has an 18+ rating, wd that do (which was mildly sarcastic as he's been able to do that for years anyway cuz he's so big noone's ever asked)? I don't know who's missing the point more...

Please tell me I'm not alone in this insanity? Please tell me other people have strange children with different views and that there is someone else out there with a kid like this!!!!! Tbh I can't fault his logic, but grandma doesn't understand and his father constantly has this bizarre attitude that "well he shdn't be like that"...well maybe he shdn't but he is, what am I supposed to do about it? His father never has learnt to approach the child from the child's point of view not his. At least nowadays he accepts that if we want the child to do something, I have to do the asking cuz I know how to deal with him. Yes well, most people don't respond to being barked at! Obviously his 18th is of far more importance to us than it is to Michael himself. His father's disappointed that he can't take him out for his first pint (I'm thrilled I don't have to worry about him binge drinking and all the other awful things that happen these days) and grandma's disappointed cuz she can't buy him something that is important to her but means nothing to the child. My opinion of course is apparently of no relevance to anyone. God I love my life.

following along with this total lack of understanding, thanks to my friend Nessie for finding this...
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=137094266829&id=766393109&ref=mf

what goes on in the mind of someone like him?

what goes on in the mind of someone like him? I know his father was diagnosed schizophrenic but I don't know if that's it with him but he's sure as hell got something ridiculous going on in there. I have no patience anymore. You'd think after twenty years of this crap I'd either have got used to it or left but hey life's just not that simple. Maybe it's the fact that I now have my own money in the bank and don't feel so dependant on him that I can step back and deal with it all a bit better. This morning yet another series of examples (oh no not just one!). My friend from Montreal's wife is here visiting family and she brought her brother over the other night for dinner. A perfect example of what he's like, he just didn't shut up and I cd barely get a word in edgewise to find out anything about her brother or have the chat we girls wanted to about my friend and what he's been up to for the 30 years we were apart! So when she called this morning he unfortunately picked up the other phone. She had meant it to be a quick call to say she'll be back from Spain on Friday and we cd get together just the two of us and have a natter. However it turned into a lot longer phone call cuz he kept butting in, talking very loudly and repeating himself and doing everything he's spent 20 years screaming at me for doing! After the call, I pointed out that he was going on and on, and suddenly it's him trying to shout me down about how she had said she wanted to go and I asked her one another question. True but that was five minutes after she said she had to go because he had just kept talking and talking and my one last question was relevant to us getting together which got quickly answered and then the call ended. He seems to have conveniently forgotten the five minutes in between where he did all the talking!!! Then a few minutes ago another winning example. F1 qualifiers had finished so he just gets up and walks out of the room leaving the tv remote on the other side of the room. Sounds stupid I know but ten minutes later he comes back in having left the tv on horse racing (snooze), and announces he's going out to do things and starts to walk out again. I very quietly pointed out that the least he cd do is hand me the controls and not have left it on bloody horse racing and he's suddenly shouting at me that I should chill out, nobody died (which he seems to think is such a clever thing to say) as if I had tried to chop his arm off or something. I pointed out that I had not raised my voice in the slightest, that I merely requested that if he wasn't going to be watching it the least he cd have done was hand me the remote and he just proceeded to shout on for five minutes about everything I do to him. The world is about him of course, silly me for ever trying to point out how something he may have done affects me. Eventually he had to actually concede that I had a point, that it wd have been nice if he hadn't just walked away like nobody else existed when even when he's not there I always make a point of leaving the remotes where he can find them. Little things but I just thought it was selfish of him to just not think. The saddest part is he never cd actually just say sorry. Normal people this wd just be a two minute conversation; cd you at least give me the remote, (sarcastic tone) good grief leaving it on horse racing of all things (smile) - oh sorry yes (and passes me the remote). Over in two seconds, no-one upset. Instead a simple remark turns into a ten minute personal attack on me and not the slightest idea in his mind that he has ever done anything that might upset me for any reason cuz apparently he's perfect. I'm sick of it!!!!!! (Yes I cd have just got up and got it but 1) it's not that easy for me to get up especially on a day like this when my legs entirely ache and 2) that's not the point, he left it where he was sitting rather than considering the other person in the room). 20 years I've put up with him saying things like no wonder everybody hates you cuz you talk so much and cuz you say things like that (of course everyone in the world can be as offensive as they like to me but if I express an opinion, I'm aggressive and disgusting and have no right to be alive). The interesting thing is that recently we got to be around people who didn't consider him to be the centre of the universe, these were people who weren't really that interested in him, who wanted to talk to ME, hear what I had to say. This is a rare experience to be around people who noticeably found it a bit hard to take him talking so much, who didn't necessarily find everything he said so amusing as he thinks he is, people who actually noticed how he puts me down, interrupts me, talks over me, argues with everything I say, makes a big thing about how wrong I am and then promptly repeats almost word for word what I just said but when I said it it was wrong. He has been surrounded by the same "friends" for the last 30 years and he doesn't understand that people inside that group just accept him (and most of them behave the same way in truth) but people outside that circle don't necessarily see him quite the same way. His best friend for example will ask you a question and then when you start to answer he'll literally turn round and talk to someone else like you don't exist. Yet in Michael's opinion, I am the only one who interrupts him and cuts him off!!! Funny how he doesn't notice when someone else does it or especially when he does it to me, it's not wrong! It's like Nixon, he's never done anything illegal cuz when the President does something, it's NOT illegal. Hey ho he's gone out now so I have peace and I intend to do nothing and I'm not going to feel quilty about it either.

Windows 7

oooh I'm in love with Windows 7! I thought Vista looked nice but I hated virtually .everything about how it worked but Microsoft seem to have listened at last and so far I have not had a thing that doesn't install properly and run faultlessly. Talk about tempting fate but so far so good. This is now being typed on the blogger sidebar gadget which never worked with vista. Fingers crossed it will continue.

Here I sit in JFK awaiting flight home. Times like these I think how do people live with themselves? There's a kid with his dvd player and no headphones!!! The father is sitting right beside him but obviously has zero awareness of being in a public space and zero concern for any other human beings. The kid's player is at a volume unnecessary considering he's right on top of it and the only thing that seems to have put a stop to his incredibly annoying behaviour is lack of power!!!! Yay hopefully his battery will run out soon and we don't all have to put up with this continual tinny noise. Everybody else has the good grace to put headphones on and not inflict their soundtrack on everybody else. Nowadays tho you don't dare say anything cuz you never know wot they'll do in response. Oh well the announcements drown it out momentarily. I'll go back to my twittering and try to ignore it.

Children having children!

I've just been watching a chat show discussing the case of this 15yr old having a baby with a 13yr old dad! Where do I start?!?!?!

In my day (sound of creaking bones) the entire concept of allowing a 15yr old to have a child was inconceivable. OK you're stupid or careless enough to get pregnant, why wd you ruin your life and the life of this child by going through with it? I fully accept there are religious considerations for some people and I respect that choice. I personally have no religious leanings whatsoever but my parents wd never have allowed me to screw up my life like this. It's all very rosy for now (let's face it, who can resist a newborn baby?) but in 2 yrs time that "child" which she still is at 15 will have had more than enough when her friends are out clubbing and she can't afford a babysitter. Or no I'll alter that slightly, it's not her life that's screwed it's her mother's! Grandma will be doing everything by then. Forgive me for assuming and there is the remotest chance I cd be wrong but I doubt it.

The discussion came up about the value of prosecuting the 13 yr old father. Phrases like "waste of police time" and "what wd charging him teach him?" or "it's too late now, they've got the baby"....but it's the law!!!! "Waste of police time" - really? There's soooo much wrong with that I won't waste my time. "What wd charging him teach him (or others?)?" - for one thing, it wd hopefully serve to remind him and other teenage boys that it is against the law. Sorry, I forgot the law means nothing, morality means nothing, age means nothing (even the concept of a 13 yr old actually having sex bothers me), there is no sense of responsibility or consequences. Maybe a reminder in the form of an actual followed through prosecution may teach other kids there are consequences for such cavalier behaviour. And "it's too late now", but grandma's going to be doing all the work, so what if the father isn't there for the baby for a few months. At 13 how much can he be there anyway?

Which leads me to what prompted this rant, ok ooooh can't prosecute the poor kids, they've got enough to deal with now they've got this baby....so who does pay? PROSECUTE THE PARENTS!!!! Isn't it obvious? If the mother hasn't taught her daughter to keep her legs together and have some self-respect then the mother is the person who needs to be taught responsibility!!! What was she doing allowing these kids to have sleepovers, cd she really be that stupid! When I was that age actually ONCE we were given that opportunity. However we were painfully aware that my friend's parents were immediately downstairs and cd very likely hear everything that was going on and who frequently poked their heads up to see what was going on. We KNEW they were keeping an eye on us so we did nothing. What I remember was the boys trying hard to impress by scaring the girls with spooky stories and how cool we thought we were for being allowed to "sleep" in the same room as boys but nothing was going to happen, tho it was stunning how much mess and noise we cd make! We were kids behaving like kids at 13 but at the same time being credited with a certain amount of responsibility to behave like the adults we wd soon be. True, 2 yrs later wd have been a different story but at 13 we were still kids. Has this mother taught her daughter nothing about sex and the problems associated? With the availability of so many forms of contraception nowadays how cd this possibly happen and why is the natural solution to actually go thru with having it?! Abortion is not a pleasant thing but god it's a helluva lot easier to get over than having a child for the next 18 yrs!!!!!! Prosecute the mother and send a message to others. And prosecute the boy's father who surely must share in the blame for not teaching his son to respect women, to not treat sex as a recreational activity, to understand that sex is something that belongs only in a committed relationship and that having sex with your female friend next door does not constitute a relationship!

Whew that's quite worn me out for the day. Feels better tho. Better than screaming at the telly!

quick update: discovered twitter especially Stephen Fry, trying to catchup with other blogs, living on facebook, where wd we be without all this wonderful technology!!!!, arranging meeting up with friends I haven't seen in 30 years and possibly meeting another Farndell on the same trip...sounds like I actually have a life doesn't it? Enjoyed our snow yesterday, poor old snowman is wilting a fair bit today but by the sounds of it we shd be able to repair him by the weekend.

The Other M.E.

The Other M.E.

yippee someone who agrees about the damages of terminology.

Memorials

http://www.ncf-net.org/memorial.htm

This page is a sad reminder of how Lynn Gilderdale's case is not so unusual. Spare a thought today for those not so fortunate.