Today is one of his nuts days. Yesterday he started the day by shouting at me about god knows what cuz I stop listening and then stated that he didn't care if he upset me cuz we hate each other anyway, he certainly hates me most of the time. The sad part is he knows full well that isn't true and in a couple of days from now he'll be all sweetness and light and wondering why I'm still upset with him. All this is (over and over again!) is because he was out drinking a lot on Friday night. I wish I cd describe all the same stupid word-for-word arguments he tries to have with me like about how I do nothing ever, how this house is a shithole, how apparently other ppl don't live like this, etc etc etc. But the crowning touch this morning which I am finding distinctly unforgiveable was when he stood there and actually said "So you get up every morning and plan to do as little as possible because you're not feeling very well". I recently tried to explain one day how sad it made me that I actually get up every day with a list in my head of things I want to do...and then I get up...and bit by bit that list just disappears cuz I just can't do it. No I'm not just lazy, I'm constantly having to defend myself and justify why I haven't done anything today. I can't quite believe I have spent 22 years saying the same thing, I do what I can when I can and some days I even just move a couple of things and he'll come home and say ooh you've been busy today. Just goes to show that it's not reality, that it is just his perception and when he's having a psycho day like today he just goes off on one and it has nothing to do with me. I cannot help being ill, I am not lazy, I've reached a point where if he did want to walk out tommorrow, I wd be happy to see him go now. I always used to think I cdn't understand why ppl split up after so long together. I always figured if you've put up with each other that long, it must be worth fighting for. I now understand there is a huge difference between putting up with each other because there is love there just life gets in the way somtimes and putting up with each other because the options were worse which is what I've done. I used to still think I loved him and I just wanted him to see himself and one day either apologise and change or get help but now that's obviously not going to happen. I now have my own money, a certain amount of strength cuz usually these days I'm feeling a bit better and I have the support of a number of friends in the same boat plus good friends who wd do everything to support me. I also have a son who is growing in confidence every day and who wd I think back me up about how it is to live with his father. He doesn't hate him any more than I do, but he is the only other person in this world who sees what that man is really like. his father hates that he sticks up for me in an argument but he views it as my son and me ganging up on him. He cannot ever see it as it is, that all my son does is see things the way I do and that maybe the person in the wrong here is not me for saying I'm upset about something nor my son for saying the same thing or for saying he understands where I'm coming from. The trouble is when he's come out of this dreadful psycho state, he will not remember being like this so if I then turn around and say I've had enough and I want out he will truly be surprised. I cd rant on like this forever but I feel better just for doing this. So I shall plod on.