Today is one of his nuts days. Yesterday he started the day by shouting at me about god knows what cuz I stop listening and then stated that he didn't care if he upset me cuz we hate each other anyway, he certainly hates me most of the time. The sad part is he knows full well that isn't true and in a couple of days from now he'll be all sweetness and light and wondering why I'm still upset with him. All this is (over and over again!) is because he was out drinking a lot on Friday night. I wish I cd describe all the same stupid word-for-word arguments he tries to have with me like about how I do nothing ever, how this house is a shithole, how apparently other ppl don't live like this, etc etc etc. But the crowning touch this morning which I am finding distinctly unforgiveable was when he stood there and actually said "So you get up every morning and plan to do as little as possible because you're not feeling very well". I recently tried to explain one day how sad it made me that I actually get up every day with a list in my head of things I want to do...and then I get up...and bit by bit that list just disappears cuz I just can't do it. No I'm not just lazy, I'm constantly having to defend myself and justify why I haven't done anything today. I can't quite believe I have spent 22 years saying the same thing, I do what I can when I can and some days I even just move a couple of things and he'll come home and say ooh you've been busy today. Just goes to show that it's not reality, that it is just his perception and when he's having a psycho day like today he just goes off on one and it has nothing to do with me. I cannot help being ill, I am not lazy, I've reached a point where if he did want to walk out tommorrow, I wd be happy to see him go now. I always used to think I cdn't understand why ppl split up after so long together. I always figured if you've put up with each other that long, it must be worth fighting for. I now understand there is a huge difference between putting up with each other because there is love there just life gets in the way somtimes and putting up with each other because the options were worse which is what I've done. I used to still think I loved him and I just wanted him to see himself and one day either apologise and change or get help but now that's obviously not going to happen. I now have my own money, a certain amount of strength cuz usually these days I'm feeling a bit better and I have the support of a number of friends in the same boat plus good friends who wd do everything to support me. I also have a son who is growing in confidence every day and who wd I think back me up about how it is to live with his father. He doesn't hate him any more than I do, but he is the only other person in this world who sees what that man is really like. his father hates that he sticks up for me in an argument but he views it as my son and me ganging up on him. He cannot ever see it as it is, that all my son does is see things the way I do and that maybe the person in the wrong here is not me for saying I'm upset about something nor my son for saying the same thing or for saying he understands where I'm coming from. The trouble is when he's come out of this dreadful psycho state, he will not remember being like this so if I then turn around and say I've had enough and I want out he will truly be surprised. I cd rant on like this forever but I feel better just for doing this. So I shall plod on.

Sunshine on a rainy day... - More Kittens!

Sunshine on a rainy day... - More Kittens!

the wonders of taking an autistic child to a Broadway show

The wonders of taking an autistic child to a Broadway show...we took him to see the Spiderman show whilst in NYC and it was difficult. He is Spiderman obsessed and a result of his disorder is that he has no patience with things being wrong in any way. He expected it to be fairly bad but I think it was worse than he thought. Obviously there is such a thing as dramatic license where shows like this are concerned but he cd not cope with the fact that they got so much of the story details wrong. Then there was the bit where they hint at a part of the storyline in a couple of places but he didn't understand about them dropping those hints for the big reveal later in the show. He got angry cuz they didn't explain it properly. He was also irritated by things like the fact that the newspaper office was all set in 60s style which it shd be but then there were lines written in about facebook and computers which most of the audience thought was quite funny but to him it was just wrong. Oh and the constant references to U2 songs when it was written by The Edge and Bono. All the first half he is sighing loudly and laughing at how stupid it was (he was not impressed with all the special effects, loudly expressing how pathetic it was) and ppl around us were very aware of him if you know what I mean. Then the second half really got him going. A great deal of this was frankly boring and tedious, centered around Peter and MJ and all very nice but yawn. My son, having been irritated to distraction by the first half, was now getting bored and that is soooo much worse. I managed to keep him under control for about 5 minutes but then he decided to get his psp go out and start playing a game, with the sound off so not bothering anyone. The usher shouted at him (and I do mean SHOUTED, even tho there was a show going on) to turn it off and he started to argue with the guy that it wasn't a phone, it wasn't hurting anyone but the bloke was adamant you shdn't bother the ppl around you...even tho it wdn't. So instead he spent the next ten minutes fidgeting constantly, muttering under his breath and generally making it very clear that he was not impressed by the show. I wanted to hold up a sign saying he has an autistic disorder, this is good behaviour by his standards! Unfortunately you can't explain this to everyone. The amount of looks ppl gave me as if to say "how dare you let him behave like that?" and "can't you control your child". Bless him, he did acknowledge that he wdn't say what he thought to his father (who cd only get a ticket on another level so wasn't sitting with us THANKFULLY) cuz he did appreciate that the tix cost a lot and his father wdn't want to hear that he wasn't impressed. Having said all that, he said the best thing as we were coming out.. he did say the one thing that made it a bit better was that "you 2" (meaning his dad and me) enjoyed it so it wasn't a total waste. He then laughed at his own play on words..."I just realised I said U2, I shd have said "you both" but U2 is appropriate". Funny and clever, I'm so proud.

the arrogance of "healthy" people

This morning I rang up to book my tickets for Nickelback on Jan 19th. All was fine until she told me the price was full price for 2 people when we've always only paid for one disabled ticket cuz my husband (or whoever might go with me) is needed to push the chair and assist with whatever else, getting drinks, carrying a bag, whatever. As nicely as possible I asked since when does my partner not go free? You wd have thought I'd asked her to kill her own mother!!! She was practically shouting at me about how they can't assume anything, some people have independent wheelchairs, you said you wd be coming with your husband - your husband isn't necessarily your carer, a lot of disabled people will get offended if we assume they can't cope by themselves, we can arrange for someone to push you within the arena if that's all you need.....I'll tell you what I did get offended by - her getting so angry at me as if this was all about my attitude to her! It sadly shows, as with parking bays and blue badges and many many other disabled facilities, that the decisions made about the facilities are not made by the people who actually use the facilities, they are made by people who are in no position to remotely understand our needs. She actually said that when I said I was going with my husband she cd not automatically assume that he was my full time carer. No but by the same token I shdn't have to justify whether he is or not, for the purposes of going to this concert he is acting in the capacity of my carer and they shd not have to know that. It proves in my mind that most people making these decisions have no clue what being a carer actually means. They obviously have an image of you requiring to be fed or attended to every minute and anything short of that means you don't really need "a carer" at all. I find it completely ludicrous that they say they can arrange for someone to push you to your set within the arena...right so I logically need someone to push the chair to get me to the arena but it's okay they can just push me to the door and then leave? Obviously whoever assists me to get there is going to come with me to the show. And someone can just push me to my seat and then what? What if I need a drink or something to eat, what if I need the loo, what if there's some kind of emergency...they don't think these things through. We have had that once before where they insisted on "being helpful" and having their own people push my chair - we had to wait about 15 minutes for someone to come and they disappeared the second they had deposited me where I wanted to be. If this was in a huge arena and I was on my own it's really a completely unworkable situation. I wd have liked to try and explain that actually I've never been asked to justify the carer ticket before but tbh I cdn't get a word in edgewise. I did try to say actually I've never been asked before but that just set her off again implying it was my fault for saying it was my husband going with me. Really? Every other time we've booked tickets anywhere they have just said the price for one ticket and no more was said about it. I am sick of this attitude in this country these days that situations that have existed for centuries suddenly are a problem because one person in a million MIGHT be offended. Why oh why can they not ask us actual disabled people what WE need. I find it offensive that they are telling me what I need and then going off on one because I'm suggesting that they've got it wrong. It's the assumption that the only reason you need assistance is to move the wheelchair, they don't understand there is so much more to being a carer.

The best place we've had for this was Milton Keynes. Bon Jovi and Nickelback that shd have opened Wembley but it wasn't ready. MK is a huge outdoor arena, it was a beautiful hot summer night and tho I'd have rather been at Wembley it was a nice place. We basically were allowed the "backstage" entrance thru some car parking and separate from the difficulties of the main crowd. As at O2, the disabled area was just a large platform which made it really easy to get the chair around and get comfortable. At Wembley it's literally a fixed seat with a limited space beside it. At MK there were surprisingly few security people whereas at O2 and Wembley they hover and I feel under suspicion the whole time. If I do stand up, they watch me to see if I can actually walk so I must be pulling a fast one being in the disabled section. I really felt completely normal and comfortable at MK, just left alone to enjoy the show. Maybe the problem is London, other cities might be a bit more relaxed.

not a good start to the day but there we are. I have my tickets that's all that matters!!!! Can't wait. Right, rant over, coffee calling, legs hurting, child fed, feeling a bit like I've done a day's worth of crap already and it's only lunchtime.

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I am so lucky I have not had a day like this for so long but the feeling of complete hopelessness has unfortunately taken over today. I don't know where to start...swine flu maybe. I have now had this awful chest infection (which makes it sound so simple) for over a week. Every day I wake up thinking I am going to feel better today but no such luck. I pulled a muscle in my back four days ago which is only just beginning to not hurt. It felt like I had been shot and stabbed and cracked a rib all at the same time. I have rarely felt pain like that in my life.

Michael is much much better today, downstairs playing his games and looking brighter than he has for weeks. I actually got him to explain a little about his friends at school. My brother rang today talking about bringing his son down to see Michael and he's saying things like oh well they can go into town or they can go other places as if it was completely normal and I expressed to M how difficult it was for me to explain to people like my brother that he doesn't do this sort of thing. Yes he can get on the bus and go into town now but he has no interest in wandering round the shops or any other pointless filling time exercise whereas his son does that all the time. Anyway it was very interesting that he said about how the kids he's friendly with at school are just the same, they don't go out, they don't go to pubs etc either and one has family problems that keep him at home a lot. I suggested about them coming here or vice versa and that apparently doesn't happen either but he seems ok with just talking to them all on messenger etc. I feel a little sad that I can't do much to help the situation but I do wish his father and certain other people had some understanding that there is nothing wrong with being the way he is. He actually said that's why he'd rather sleep in the day and be up at night cuz then he can talk to all these kids in Canada about games and figures and the stuff that is important to him and not have to feel guilty about not being "normal". Thankfully he gets that I get it but he does understand that I'm stuck in the middle having to listen to people like his father and grandma moaning about what he SHD be doing instead. Well in my book he shd be doing whatever makes him happy and if pub crawls and window shopping don't do it for him, I don't see why he shd have to do it just to make everybody else happy. Isn't it sad that even his own father doesn't understand him?