I think I have finally reached the point where I just can't pretend I can tolerate it all anymore. I've done my level best to just ignore it or defend myself (god knows why) but now I just can't deal with the manic selfish stupidity. I've heard lots of descriptions of the symptoms of manic depression and schizophrenia and they all fit but there's absolutely sod all that's gonna help me there bc he ain't ever going to accept he needs a shrink. Like the ranting and shouting out the front of the house about nothing of any importance but what the fuck must the neighbours think. I asked his cousin once how did his father end up in a mental ward and she said bc he was walking the streets of Worthing ranting and shouting and ppl were scared of him. Well thats what I've put up with for thirty years. As is the nature of manic depression he's not that way all the time just some days when others he can be lovely. But there's no way to describe what it's like living with someone who is constantly shouting to noone in particular about whatever is slightly irritating him that particular moment. Like years ago when a friend of mine was involved in the potential class action suit about vaccine damage and I found him late one night standing in the kitchen shouting and swearing about it, saying things like why "that bitch I***** making her (me) get involved in this shit" when I wasn't involved per se and even if I was we cd only go ahead if we got the legal aid which was denied. He was screaming and shouting about something that he knew nothing about bc he didn't listen to me, he was calling my friend names even tho to her face of course he wd be all smiles and joking. I didn't really understand back then about this awful control freak behaviour but I've recently learnt to just not allow him to do it. If he starts shouting I will tell him to stop. If he's being irrational, I will calmly explain to him what is wrong with his thinking. Two things are clear to me at last, one that his mother always said about his father that "he cdn't handle stress" which apparently explained why he was running around the hospital threatening the doctors and going nuts when Michael was born, seemingly thinking they were hurting her. He cdn't handle a situation where he had no control over what was happening but his son didn't inherit anything from him...no, not much. Two, that I deserve better, that I am entitled to my own thoughts, habits, life and I shd not have to do what he wants when he wants how he wants just to keep the peace. That's called mental and emotional abuse and tho friends have been telling me that for years I cd never really see it as that. Next time he's outside shouting and ranting I really must record it. Maybe if he cd see how fucking mental it is he might accept he needs help.

I've had to live with years of my autistic son complaining that a lot of his depression is bc of having to live with the constant screaming rows with his father and now I'm sat here listening to them screaming at each other in just the same way...I hope my son is grasping that it's not my fault for stupidly trying to defend myself all these years, that it's just living with his father is hard!!!!!! My son doesn't like it when I raise my voice but you know what, I don't like it when he does either but he shouts back at his father the same way I do for the same reasons. The wonders of dealing with an undiagnosed schizophrenic and a mildly autistic offspring. They both need to have a fucking good talk to themselves (and I don't mean the idiotic, standing outside on the street even, ranting shit that man does, I mean a serious look at their own fucking behaviour!!!!! I am sick to death of this shit. Nobody shd have to live like this, it's frankly inhuman but I've decided to not pay any attention anymore, that's easiest.

My latest bugbear is a huge works van with high vis vests on the seats is parked in a disabled space seemingly all day every day and almost always facing the wrong way I might add who for ages seemed to have a badge but it was not clearly displayed bc of how high the dashboard is and yet I never saw a ticket on it. Now it cd be genuine (tho I can't see how anyone requiring a badge is able to get in and out of a van like that or do the kind of job that requires a van or high vis vests) but then I encountered this van in a supermarket car park in the disabled space (and I do mean THE) with a young man coming back to the van who was clearly not the person to whom the badge applies. The person driving, presumably the person to whom the badge does apply, immediately began making a fuss about the fact that I clearly didn't think he shd be there. I didn't say anything, merely looked at him, so the fact that he got so animated about needing to defend himself suggests to me he knew full well why I didn't think it was a valid badge. Even as he drove away and I had walked into the supermarket he was still trying to hold up his badge!!!!! I wonder if he'd have been as confident if I'd actually asked to inspect the badge bc I'll place any amount of money on the fact that it doesn't belong to him. Even if it does, he didn't seem to get that he still shdnt have been there if he wasn't getting out of the car, a badge is not for the convenience of others it's a privilege for ppl who need it and this arse is taking advantage. I suspect he's been told by a warden he needs to display it but I doubt any warden has actually checked it to see if this idiots face is the one pictured. If you're capable of doing a job that requires a large van which suggests physical activity I can't see how you can need a disabled badge. You can't walk a hundred yards but you can do a labour intensive job? I fear the man doth protest too much, even continuing to wave the corner of the badge at me as he's driving away suggests to me he's not really confident of his argument. All I've ever done is get it out and put it on the dashboard in plain view, that's enough. To shout and scream and make such a point of showing me saying look look I have got a badge when all I did was look at him suggests to me a guilty conscience. Still, that doesn't beat the stupid cow who not only parked in the one disabled space but left her child in the car and when I said to her quite quietly and reasonably "thank you for parking in the disabled space" she replied by saying its a mother and baby AND disabled space...wtf there is no such thing you stupid cow, go look at the signage and the painting on the road, nowhere does it say anything other than disabled badge holders ONLY! Why does it surprise me that ppl are so godamn selfish!?!?! I've challenged a number of ppl who are sitting in the car in the space and I've had the most ridiculous shit in response. One guy responded with "I've got a badge I can do what I like" which unfortunately seems to be the general self absorbed aggro attitude that society has now. Another guy I pointed out to him that he was occupying a space that he did not need to be in but I on my own did need. I pointed out the leaflet that comes with the badge says whilst it's not illegal (damn well shd be in my book) to stay in the car, if you are not the person to whom the badge applies and you're not getting out of the car you shdnt be in a space. He cd have parked a little way up the road and simply come down to pick up the disabled person whereas I did not have that luxury. When I returned to my car five minutes later he'd got out and gone to stand round the corner...I suppose it's better than sitting in the car but still missing the point. It's the staggering sense of entitlement! Then there was the huge great drinks truck parked across three disabled spaces in the middle of town on a summers day (when they will be most required). The warden just walked past like he didn't give a shit, when I challenged that they shdnt be parked in the disabled spaces when there was a loading bay ten feet away, I was informed they had a job to do selling their drinks at this bar and they "needed" to have that truck directly in front of the bar...bc of course that's entirely more important than any disabled person. I just cdnt believe the warden did nothing, tho I suspect he might have tried but received so much abuse for the suggestion he didn't dare ticket them. It's the old "I'm only going to be five minutes" argument, this advertising truck was only going to be there for a couple of hours so what does it matter? Well I'll tell you why it matters? Bc all the time that truck is blocking those spaces is time that a number of disabled spaces either can't do their shopping or can't enjoy their few moments out or a meal or go to the library nearby bc healthy ppl don't give a shit. One woman sitting in her huge 4x4 outside the Dome refused to move bc she said she was waiting for her son to come out from his graduation ceremony and she wdnt be long...I refused to accept that as an answer and explained to her that her son was perfectly capable of walking wasn't he, she shdnt be in a disabled space if she didn't have a badge, that I did have a badge and therefore required her to vacate that space, she just refused to move....so so did I. I was blocking the road, cars were piling up behind me but I sat there with my badge out and my indicator on. After a few minutes of me doing this and staring at her she finally moved...all of twenty yards across the road, like every other parent there to pick up their kid. I doubt she learnt anything but I felt better foR it and cd finally park and hobble to my monthly ME support group meeting. Then there was this selfish bitch in the spaces in London road with her engine still on so all she had to do was put the car in reverse and move back (she had four feet behind her) but she just sat where she was without a badge and watching me struggle to park in the space she had left. 1) she shdnt have been there 2) she cd have made it easier for me but no. Then to add insult to injury she made some arsehole remark about how bad my parking abilities were! When I explained that I have a pin in one shoulder and various other problems which is why I HAVE A BADGE, she basically just told me to fuck off. I'm just sick of ppl in general today.

What is "British"?

I started hunting around bc Aliajz Bedene has gone back to playing under the Slovenian flag and it got me curious how he ever thought we shd let him play for the British Davis Cup team in the first place. Most ppl's complaint about Konta is that she is born in Australia from Hungarian parents so where in hell does the British bit come in? With Bedene, not only did he have no British connection other than living here but he had played Davis Cup for Slovenia already and that entirely rules him out. In this article several other "brits" have been called into question; Bradley Wiggins British mother, Greg Rusedski British mother, Mo Farrah British father, etc etc etc. They may have been born elsewhere but their heritage is at least in some part British. Neither Konta nor Bedene have any such claim. Joanna Lumley was born in India as were several other ppl who we wd consider utterly British and indeed National Treasures so where you were born is hardly the only criterion by which someone's Britishness shd be measured. What got me about the article is how they then go on to say about the abuse Anthony Joshua received over his apparent support of the muslim religion as if that is in any way the same thing. The criticism of Konta playing as British is in no way the same thing as the appalling racism and religious prejudice ppl have to put up with. It's not racist to simply question the facts. I'm personally pleased to see Bedene return to the flag of his birth, his heritage and clearly his heart. Tennis is not racist, I've never had the slightest feeling that race, creed or colour have ever had anything to do with tennis. The criticism of Konta has nothing to do with "racism", it's simply a reasonable question. She certainly hasn't been denied any opportunities or excluded from any tournament or anything that in any way wd suggest ppl are "racist" against her. This article is a disgrace equating the two situations. It's sad that ppl can't tell the difference anymore. Especially the inclusion in the keywords of Wimbledon sport and racist, extremely wrong to even mistakenly suggest there is racism in Wimbledon. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jul/14/johanna-konta-nationality-big-deal-tennis-wimbledon-sport-racist

Free will.

Oh dear that's set me off, on THE BIG QUESTION, this girl says as a young woman she has no free will as to where she goes and what she does bc of what men do. That is so sad. We all have free will, my life is not ruled nor has it ever been by what other ppl do. A perfect example, in the pub yesterday this girl walks in with these horrible almost see through leggings that are basically tights and shdnt be worn by themselves in my opinion. Not bc she was exposing herself, but bc I just don't want to see her knickers and it doesn't fit my criteria for being dressed. My husband cd not help but stare and drool. However I can guarantee that he wd not under any circumstances be following her out of the pub and raping her!!!!! I frankly admired her exuding confidence, she had a great figure and being in a pub on her own, but she cd have looked just as good without us having to see her underwear. There are bad men and bad women, when young girls are told not to walk down a dark alley on their own, it's simply a matter of not putting yrself in a position of danger, that applies to a lot of public places too. She had absolutely free will to dress as she did and honestly, the confidence that oozed from her added to the overall appeal, I just feel it's common decency. The one thing that completely destroyed the look was the great big label sticking out between her butt cheeks from her knickers!!!! At least I hope it was a label.... Another example is Alex Polizzi on the hotel inspector. Must be the Italian in her but she's always got her tits hanging out and I find it distasteful. Nice as they are I don't want to see them. She clearly has no fears of being attacked by a man bc of what she wears. The attitude that you have no free will as a young woman bc men do bad things I think is the greatest cop out ever. Stop blaming everyone else in the world for the choices you make. Free will is available to all, whether you choose to exercise that free will is entirely your own choice.

Today is one of his nuts days. Yesterday he started the day by shouting at me about god knows what cuz I stop listening and then stated that he didn't care if he upset me cuz we hate each other anyway, he certainly hates me most of the time. The sad part is he knows full well that isn't true and in a couple of days from now he'll be all sweetness and light and wondering why I'm still upset with him. All this is (over and over again!) is because he was out drinking a lot on Friday night. I wish I cd describe all the same stupid word-for-word arguments he tries to have with me like about how I do nothing ever, how this house is a shithole, how apparently other ppl don't live like this, etc etc etc. But the crowning touch this morning which I am finding distinctly unforgiveable was when he stood there and actually said "So you get up every morning and plan to do as little as possible because you're not feeling very well". I recently tried to explain one day how sad it made me that I actually get up every day with a list in my head of things I want to do...and then I get up...and bit by bit that list just disappears cuz I just can't do it. No I'm not just lazy, I'm constantly having to defend myself and justify why I haven't done anything today. I can't quite believe I have spent 22 years saying the same thing, I do what I can when I can and some days I even just move a couple of things and he'll come home and say ooh you've been busy today. Just goes to show that it's not reality, that it is just his perception and when he's having a psycho day like today he just goes off on one and it has nothing to do with me. I cannot help being ill, I am not lazy, I've reached a point where if he did want to walk out tommorrow, I wd be happy to see him go now. I always used to think I cdn't understand why ppl split up after so long together. I always figured if you've put up with each other that long, it must be worth fighting for. I now understand there is a huge difference between putting up with each other because there is love there just life gets in the way somtimes and putting up with each other because the options were worse which is what I've done. I used to still think I loved him and I just wanted him to see himself and one day either apologise and change or get help but now that's obviously not going to happen. I now have my own money, a certain amount of strength cuz usually these days I'm feeling a bit better and I have the support of a number of friends in the same boat plus good friends who wd do everything to support me. I also have a son who is growing in confidence every day and who wd I think back me up about how it is to live with his father. He doesn't hate him any more than I do, but he is the only other person in this world who sees what that man is really like. his father hates that he sticks up for me in an argument but he views it as my son and me ganging up on him. He cannot ever see it as it is, that all my son does is see things the way I do and that maybe the person in the wrong here is not me for saying I'm upset about something nor my son for saying the same thing or for saying he understands where I'm coming from. The trouble is when he's come out of this dreadful psycho state, he will not remember being like this so if I then turn around and say I've had enough and I want out he will truly be surprised. I cd rant on like this forever but I feel better just for doing this. So I shall plod on.

Sunshine on a rainy day... - More Kittens!

Sunshine on a rainy day... - More Kittens!