I think I have finally reached the point where I just can't pretend I can tolerate it all anymore. I've done my level best to just ignore it or defend myself (god knows why) but now I just can't deal with the manic selfish stupidity. I've heard lots of descriptions of the symptoms of manic depression and schizophrenia and they all fit but there's absolutely sod all that's gonna help me there bc he ain't ever going to accept he needs a shrink. Like the ranting and shouting out the front of the house about nothing of any importance but what the fuck must the neighbours think. I asked his cousin once how did his father end up in a mental ward and she said bc he was walking the streets of Worthing ranting and shouting and ppl were scared of him. Well thats what I've put up with for thirty years. As is the nature of manic depression he's not that way all the time just some days when others he can be lovely. But there's no way to describe what it's like living with someone who is constantly shouting to noone in particular about whatever is slightly irritating him that particular moment. Like years ago when a friend of mine was involved in the potential class action suit about vaccine damage and I found him late one night standing in the kitchen shouting and swearing about it, saying things like why "that bitch I***** making her (me) get involved in this shit" when I wasn't involved per se and even if I was we cd only go ahead if we got the legal aid which was denied. He was screaming and shouting about something that he knew nothing about bc he didn't listen to me, he was calling my friend names even tho to her face of course he wd be all smiles and joking. I didn't really understand back then about this awful control freak behaviour but I've recently learnt to just not allow him to do it. If he starts shouting I will tell him to stop. If he's being irrational, I will calmly explain to him what is wrong with his thinking. Two things are clear to me at last, one that his mother always said about his father that "he cdn't handle stress" which apparently explained why he was running around the hospital threatening the doctors and going nuts when Michael was born, seemingly thinking they were hurting her. He cdn't handle a situation where he had no control over what was happening but his son didn't inherit anything from him...no, not much. Two, that I deserve better, that I am entitled to my own thoughts, habits, life and I shd not have to do what he wants when he wants how he wants just to keep the peace. That's called mental and emotional abuse and tho friends have been telling me that for years I cd never really see it as that. Next time he's outside shouting and ranting I really must record it. Maybe if he cd see how fucking mental it is he might accept he needs help.